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Heart of Marriage: Daughters of the King Bible Study Series

By Kathy Collard Miller

Unedited. Copyrighted 2022


Lesson 6

Wonder If I Feel Disillusioned?

Michal and David


Every love relationship cycles through three stages: romance, disillusionment, and joy. This cycle repeats many times in a marriage. Romance is delightful and motivational. When we feel unloved, we slip into negativity which can slide into disillusionment. Unless we halt the downward skid, we can tumble into hopelessness. We might consider separation or divorce, tempted to think we’ll find happiness with someone else.

Hope comes from knowing joy will return after making a decision to love regardless of our feelings. Because love is a choice, far more than just a feeling. If we will understand our feelings fluctuate and commitment comes from God’s strength to stay the course, godly joy can rise within us. We can reflect on God making a decision to love us, even when we are unlovable. Only his love never suffers from discouragement.

In this lesson we’ll examine the unfortunate biblical example of David and Michal. Then we’ll see from biblical passages how God will give us hope because he is honored through our faithfulness in our marriage. With God’s help, we can move out of disillusionment and experience joy. Romance may still be fleeting but there is contentment in joy.


1. How do you describe the “romance” stage in your marriage?

A. What seems to most often dampen those feelings and turn your heart toward disillusionment?

B. Describe disillusionment and how you react most often during that time?

C. What motivates you to make a decision to love?


2. What examples of faithful marriage and what examples of uncommitted marriage have you observed, especially growing up?

A. What truths did those examples teach you and how did those help you?

B. What lies did those examples teach you and how did those hinder you?

We can never dismiss the significance of the marriages we’ve observed over the years. As we’ve mentioned in other lessons, we grow up learning how life works or should work by observing the lives of other people. A child has no internal ability to evaluate truth or error. Unfortunately, each child concludes their flawed ideas are truth. And depending upon the degree of exposure to the Bible, a child or teenager decides she will make her life—and her future marriage—successful by following what she concludes is right.

Even when a child is exposed to the Bible later in life, she will still be challenged by old lies sitting dormant in her heart and mind. Healing can come from regarding discouragement and disillusionment as indicators of those deep-seated lies. Then she can ask God for true heart change through his correction process of sanctification.


3. In the Bible, Michal and David experienced many times of stress and disillusionment in their relationship. Read I Samuel 14:49. Who is Michal?

Scanning through I Samuel 14 reveals the kind of people young Michal was exposed to who contributed to her belief system. Her father was temperamental. Even her brother, Jonathan, was critical of their father and spoke of his irrationality (I Samuel 14:24, 29-30, 44). Although her father’s extreme ideas were not related to marriage, she must have learned ungodly ways to manage relationships and apply them within marriage.


4. The relationship between Michal and David demonstrates many things about marital relationships. From the following passages, include facts about their relationship by summarizing what happens and the level of commitment they had at each stage, including romance, disillusionment and joy (committed marriage).

A. I Samuel 18:20-28

B. I Samuel 19:8-17

C. I Samuel 25:44

D. II Samuel 3:12-16

E. Do you currently relate to any of the above points in your own marriage?


5. Read the final part of their relationship in II Samuel 6:14-23. Why do you think Michal “despised” David (v. 16)?

A. Why do you think the account specifically calls Michal “the daughter of Saul” rather than “David’s wife”?

B. What insights might also be revealed in 2 Samuel 6:20?

Of course, we don’t know conclusively all of Michal’s motives. We do know from the biblical evidence she grows up in a traumatic household. As a young woman, she must hear about (and most likely saw) her volatile father throwing spears at David (I Samuel 18:9-11, 19:9-10). Additionally, she is a kind of pawn to advance her father’s power and has little control over her life as she is handed back and forth between several men.

When she observes the extreme behavior of David dancing with the ark, even though considered by everyone else as beautiful worship, we might wonder if any extreme behavior (good or bad) could signify danger in Michal’s heart because of her past trauma. Also, Michal grows up in a home where religious fervor for the Lord is not included. In 1 Samuel 19:13, when Michal tells David to flee because her father’s servants are coming to kill him, she puts an “idol” or “image” into David’s bed along with a pillow of goat’s hair giving the appearance of David’s hair. She explains David is sick (v. 14). Based on God’s commands for all Israel, no one is supposed to have any idol in their home. And Michal’s idol must be life sized which is not uncommon. Having the idol readily available might mean she worships gods or is synchronistic in her worship of both Jehovah God and cultural gods.

Additionally, Michal falls in love with David as a young, successful warrior. Now she sees a side of him—his religious zealousness—that may seem out of control. Sometimes whatever is unfamiliar scares us and we react with criticism to protect ourselves. Today, the phrase “we went in different directions” seems to be culture’s “good reasoning” for separation or divorce. Michal’s heart definitely is not keeping in step with David’s.

Second Samuel 5:20 gives another insight. She scoffs at David, “How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ female servants, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” David already has several wives and although we don’t know how old Michal is, she might be fearful of competition with the loss of some of her attractiveness. As any wife ages, she may undermine the romance within her

marriage by imagining her husband’s attraction to someone younger. Suspicion will only add to the worry lines on her faces and scorn to her tone.

The account specifically calls Michal “the daughter of Saul” (6:20) rather than “David’s wife” and could indicate she is, like her father, devoid of spirituality. Commentators suggest the phrase could refer to how much Saul values his royal status which Michal may enjoy as a princess. David, her king, is being less than “royal.” He has become, in effect, like one of the masses—something she may believe is beneath her.

The NASB interprets the Hebrew word (saqap) (v. 16) as “looked down through.” The word means to “look down or out, overhang, lean over.” This could be a metaphor for Michal not only looking out the window but “looking down” upon David. For sure we know Michal did despise him because the Hebrew word for despise is baza and means to hold in contempt, disdain, consider vile or worthless.

Of course, we aren’t condoning her hateful behavior because of her past. But God gives us many details as a warning to our own sinful tendencies, whether based in a difficult past or not.

Your husband may feel intimated by your fervor for the Lord. If he is not familiar with your particular way of worshipping God, he may feel threatened. You feel comfortable and can’t understand why he doesn’t express love for God in the way you do. Without knowing it, your attitude may come across as contempt for whatever way he worships God. Think of things you aren’t familiar with and how threatening that feels. If your husband is resisting you, have compassion. Seek the Lord’s guidance in how to respond with grace.

Trauma experts indicate childhood harm resulting in fear can later cause fear in similar situations as an adult. For more information about the influence of past experiences, consider my book Pure Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory.


6. Examine these references of God’s faithful love. Describe what’s involved and if there is anything speaking to you about how committed love blocks disillusionment.

A. Psalm 100:5

B. Jeremiah 31:3

C. Micah 7:20

D. I John 4:19

E. How has your past, especially during childhood, contributed to thinking of God’s love as something other than a commitment?

F. How do you think a child who is harmed yet told she is loved could be confused about what committed love looks like?

There are different Greek words for the translation of the word “love” in the Bible. The purest, selfless, most committed kind of love is agape which describes the kind of love God has for his creation. A second word is eros, which refers to passionate and romantic love. This includes passion and pleasure. Third is the word philia referring to friendship or affection. No human has the perfect agape love for another yet God wants us to grow in our selflessness.

A primary reason every one of us struggles with having agape love is the confusing messages about love we grow up with. For instance, if your parents divorced, you might believe marriage is too difficult to succeed. Of course, there are times when violence and harm call for separation or divorce. Unfortunately, if you blamed yourself for your parent’s divorce (which is quite common), you could be hypervigilant now, overly sensitive to being accused. As a result, you may respond in ungodly ways—anger, criticalness, withdrawal, blame, shaming, or threatening divorce. Lies from the past may be blocking your confidence in God’s power to help your


Your husband has also been burdened with lies from the past. You can have compassion and understanding knowing what has influenced you and your husband, confident God wants to heal you both.


7. Thinking negatively about your husband and marriage can fuel disillusionment. Match the statements in the left-hand column with a better way of thinking in the right-hand column.

Column 1:

The Self-Talk of Disillusionment

_____ If he would change, then I would be content.

_____He should meet my needs and make me happy.

_____He never listens to me.

_____Since I don’t feel loving toward him, I’ve fallen out of love.

_____If he won’t act loving toward me, I won’t love him.

_____If he really loved me, he would not spend so much time at…

_____He is the one who has ruined our marriage, not me.

_____If he really loved me, he would know how to make me happy without being told.

Column 2:

The Self-Talk of Commitment

a. I know love is a decision, not a feeling.

b. I’ve also contributed to the condition of our marriage, but God can restore our marriage.

c. I can’t change him. I’ll trust God to do it according to his will while I share my needs and desires appropriately.

d. I can’t force him to spend time with me, but I can make myself more enjoyable to be with.

e. I’ll learn to communicate in an attractive way.

f. I can’t assume he knows what love is to me, so I’ll share my expectations.

g. Jesus is the key to my happiness and contentment.

h. I am responsible before God to make love a decision. He will help me.

A. Which of those godly truths are hardest and easiest for you to choose and why?

B. How will you apply one specific change this next week?

C. How can the principle in 2 Corinthians 10:5 help you change from the self-talk of disillusionment to the self-talk of commitment which will return you to joy?

When setting a goal, avoid the perfectionistic thinking of an “all or nothing” 100% goal which can cause discouragement and failure. Instead, think realistically and set a “1% goal.” For instance, instead of thinking you will never get irritated with your husband again, pick one action of your husband which seems unloving. Every time you see his action, ask God for insight into his motive. Tell yourself, “Even if he can’t love me well in this moment, my value and worth are supplied by my heavenly Father, not a wounded human.” Concentrate on this one goal for a period of time sufficient to cement the habit. Then choose another small goal.


8. Read Jeremiah 2:13. How could a husband be a kind of ‘broken cistern”?

A. How does God want a wife to seek him as a fresh flowing spring?

B. How has your husband disappointed you and you have chosen to be disillusioned?

Commitment often wanes if a wife marries thinking her husband will and can meet all her needs. When he disappoints her, as he surely will because she will disappoint him,

disillusionment results exposing he is her “idol.” An idol isn’t just a statue but anything in which we place our hope and desires excluding God. God says we should have no other gods before him (1 John 5:21).


9. When we feel disillusioned, we may be surprised because we thought our love would conquer any and all problems. But what does I Peter 4:12-16 indicate?

A. How can our struggle strengthen our commitment (James 1:2-4)?

B. When we lack the ability to deal with feelings of disillusionment, what does James 1:5 assure us?

C. If we struggle in our commitment, but persevere, what will God do with our growth and knowledge (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)?

10. How could the following verses from Proverbs influence a sense of commitment? What do you think a wife should do about each?

A. 3:5-6

B. 10:12

C. 11:2

D. 11:14

E. 12:18

F. 14:29

G. 15:15

H. 17:9

I. What influences from today’s world fuel a lack of commitment in marriages?

J. What encourages and discourages your commitment to your marriage?

The greatest commitment anyone can make is to Jesus Christ as Savior. If you’ve never committed your life to Jesus as your Savior, recognize your sin and your need of forgiveness. He offers you his gift of grace and forgiveness through Jesus Christ for your sins. If you would like to be forgiven, pray the following prayer or a prayer of your own words expressing your need.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me so much and sending your son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for my sins. Forgive me and make me your child. I believe Jesus is your Son and he died for me, then rose again from the dead to give me eternal life. Thank you for cleansing me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

If you prayed to receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, please share your wonderful news with someone who also is a Christian. Attend a Bible-believing church and become a part of a Bible Study. And please let me know at

My Precious Princess and Daughter:

Many people get married without ever anticipating the great need for unending, renewable commitment to their marriage. I understand. I created the idea of marriage knowing obstacles would arise. I saw the challenges as a way to grow my character within you and your husband—and compel you to renew your commitment to my commands. I want you to see my faithful involvement in your relationship with me and your husband.

Dearest one, if you currently find your strength weak, if your desire to remain committed is waning, if it seems your husband’s reactions make it impossible to hope for a loving relationship, let me empower you. I am the only one who is strong enough to make your commitment possible.

Don’t let my enemy’s whispers of disillusionment in your mind and heart discourage you. Reject his lies, casting them out of your mind. They aren’t from me. Our enemy hates me and when he convinces you to sin, he wins small battles against me and destroys you.

Remember your commitment to me because of my faithful love. Choose my power. I’m right there with you, empowering your joy.


Your Heavenly Father, the King


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